here is another fan fiction (not made by me)
Kisame in the Toothbrush Caper
Kisame was not a morning person. Quite the opposite, really. He was more of wake-up-at-three-in-the-afternoon-and-walk-around-half-conscious-until-he-walked-into-something-and-was-jolted-awake-by-the-pain kind of person. Today was no exception. He rose from his bed, and stumbled to the bathroom.
Kisame proceeded to do fun bathroom things, such as relieving himself and applying deodorant. With the bathroom door wide open, mind you, because he was too out of it to close it. Everyone knew that though, and avoided that hallway like the plague. Of course, they only knew from experience, and Deidara had been lucky number one to experience it. And by lucky I mean unlucky. OF COURSE. Ooooh, Deidara had needed a lot of therapy after that. Good thing he has no personal life for the therapy to cut in to!
So, anyway. Back to Kisame. He brushed his hair with the brush that was conveniently on the counter, (it was probably Itachi's judging by the black hairs stuck around the bristles,) then put some toothpaste on his toothbrush and scrubbed each individual razor sharp tooth with loving care.
"Kisameee, are you in the washroom?" a voice called from around a corner, where there was no chance of them seeing Kisame naked incase he had left the door open.
"Yuh," said Kisame. "I'm just brushing my teeth."
"Could you brush them downstairs or something? I reeeeeally need to pee... yeah," said the voice, who was so obviously Deidara. He had ran from his place behind the corner to right outside of the washroom the second he was sure that Kisame was decent. Of course, Kisame could have been brushing his teeth while naked, but he had only done that once. Deidara stood, knees together, clutching his crotch in that adorable way that young children seem to always do, waiting for Kisame to leave so that he could go.
Kisame rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said, walking out, toothbrush and all. The second he was out, Deidara ran in and slammed the door. Oh, how silly Unnamed Akatsuki Number One had been getting a headquarters with only one bathroom. Kisame walked down to the kitchen, and sat down at the table, across from Itachi.
"Morning, Itachi!" said Kisame, his voice oddly clear considering he was still brushing his teeth to a shining perfection.
"Kisame... what are you doing?" asked Itachi, hardly looking up from his giant bowl of Count Chocula breakfast cereal.
"What, no 'Good morning, Kisame'? No 'I hope you slept well, Kisame'?" said Kisame, sounding perturbed.
"What are you doing, Kisame?" repeated Itachi.
"I'm brushing my teeth. Deidara kicked me out of the bathroom," said Kisame.
"You aren't brushing your teeth, Kisame."
"Uh, yeah I am. What does it look like I'm doing?" Kisame said, with a look on his face that said something along the lines of 'geez, Mangekyou Sharingan is really messing up your eyes'.
Itachi looked up from his Count Chocula. "It looks like you're moving your hand back and forth in front of your partially open mouth."
"Uh, yeah. that's what brushing your teeth entails, Itachi."
"You aren't using a toothbrush."
Kisame looked scandalized. He was so using a toothbrush. To state this fact, he intelligently yelled, "I am too!"
"No you aren't," said Itachi through a mouthful of his cereal.
"Uh, yeah, I am! See!" Kisame held out his toothbrush, only to find that, gasp, it wasn't there!
"I told you," said Itachi.
Kisame gasped. "Oh no! I neeeeeeed to clean my teeth! Otherwise they'll rot and I'll have to go the the dentist!"
Itachi rolled his eyes. Maybe he shouldn't have told Kisame that his toothbrush was imaginary...
"Woe! WOE!" cried Kisame. He latched onto Itachi's shirt. "Itachi!" He cried into his friends face, shaking him as he spoke. "You have to help me! Can I use your toothbrush, please! My life depends on it!"
Itachi nearly choked on his chocolaty cereal, not so much from the shaking as from the thought of Kisame using his toothbrush. "No," he stated plainly.
"PLEASE!"
Itachi didn't want to repeat himself. So he said nothing.
"Can I at least borrow ten dollars to go buy a new one?" pleaded Kisame.
"Why do you need ten dollars to buy a toothbrush?" asked Itachi incredulously.
"I need a really good one!" whined Kisame. "Pleeeeease?"
"I am not lending you ten dollars just for a toothbrush," said Itachi irratably.
"Is there anything I can do so that you'll think about it?" asked Kisame, actively trying and failing to restrain himself from panicking.
Itachi thought for a moment. He could use a personal slave... The wheels began turning in his mind. "You can start by getting me the cereal and the milk," he said, because he had just finished his first bowl, and all this toothbrush nonsense had made him hungry...er. Hungrier.
"Okay!" said Kisame perkily, running over to get Itachi his cereal. He got the milk, then picked up the cereal box, finding it suspiciously light. "Um, Itachi, I don't think there's any cereal left..." he said, laughing nervously.
Itachi stared at him. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah..."
"DAMN IT!" cried Itachi, in a most un-Itachi-like way. He dug around in his pockets for a minute, and pulled out five dollars. "Go get me more cereal. Make sure it's a good kind. Get one with those horrible electric toothbrushes with the characters from the boxes on them. You can have the toothbrush." He handed Kisame the money and pushed him out the door. "Be quick."
Kisame smiled broadly, and skipped off to the local grocery store, his long foreboding cloak with the red clouds flapping in the breeze behind him. Then he remembered that he hadn't brushed his teeth that morning, and promptly stopped smiling, because potential friends or girlfriends would no doubt be totally turned off by his plaque! So pursing his lips as tight as they could go, he started browsing through the aisle that consisted solely of cereal. He picked up a large box of Fruit Loops, because it was the only kind that had toothbrushes in them that Itachi would actually eat.
"Excuse me, young man, I couldn't help but notice that the cereal in your hand is chock full of sugar!"
Kisame turned around to see a little old lady, who looked about eighty years old and was less than half Kisame's height. "Um..."
The lady smiled in a overly sweet way. "You might like to try something more like this. It's more healthy for you," she said, holding up a box of Grape Nuts.
Kisame shuddered. "No, I don't think Itachi likes those. I don't think anyone likes those," said Kisame. Somehow he was too polite to just kick the old lady and run.
"Oh, who's Itachi? Is she your girlfriend?" asked the lady. Kisame looked petrified. "So you're buying the cereal for her, how sweet! Is she pregnant and craving cereal?"
Kisame had a sudden fit of coughing.
"Oh, dear! Here, have some prune juice, it will coat your throat," said the lady, offering him a cup of prune juice from absolutely nowhere. Kisame didn't take it from her, he wasn't insane.
Well, in his own opinion, at least.
"No, I'll be fine," wheezed Kisame quickly. He checked to make sure that the lady hadn't gone and switched his cereal with something like Shredded Wheat or Grape Nuts, and speed-walked away from the lady before she said something else and he choked to death on air. The man at the till looked at him a little strangely for buying the cereal. Maybe because he thought it was weird that such a creepy looking man was buying a sweet cereal that came with a free toothbrush. Or maybe because he had blue skin and resembled a shark. ...Either way.
Kisame thought he was home free as he paid for the Fruit Loops. He was just receiving his change, (or rather, Itachi's change,) when he felt a tug at the back of his long foreboding cloak with the red clouds. He turned around to see the little old lady.
"I just wanted to wish your girlfriend an easy pregnancy," she said, smiling. The man behind the counter coughed a cough that sounded suspiciously like an attempt to cover a laugh.
Kisame grimaced. "Just leave me alone, okay! And what's so funny?" he said ferociously. Or he tried to be ferocious, anyhow.
"Your... girlfriend... is she..." The man didn't finish because he broke out into hysterical laughter.
"Are you implying that my girlfriend is invisible and/or horribly ugly!" Kisame roared. This only made the man laugh harder, so Kisame cried an enraged battle cry, and began raging, tearing things apart with his terrible shark like claws! And by that I mean his perfectly manicured purple nails.
"Security!" screeched the cashier who had been stupid enough to doubt Kisame's sexiness and charm.
Grocery store security ninjas jumped down from every which way. "Prepare to get banned from this store for life, Shark-scum!" yelled one of the random ninjas.
Full of youthful passion, Kisame lunged at them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a creak as the door opened. Itachi looked up to see Kisame come in, carrying the box of cereal. The taller man placed it on the table in front of him, where he had been sitting the entire time.
"You took a while," said Itachi.
"Yeah, well... things happened. We might not want to go to the grocery store on Main street anymore, though."
Itachi nodded. "Fruit Loops?" he asked, tearing open the top of the cardboard box.
"It was the only kind that you might like that came with a toothbrush," explained Kisame.
"Oh. Okay. I haven't had them in a while," said Itachi.
"Good. Can I have my toothbrush now?"
"Yeah," said Itachi, handing Kisame the horrible thing. It had Toucan Sam on it. "Oh, I forgot to mention it before you left, but you're my slave now."
"Oh. Bed slave?"
"No, just the regular type," stated Itachi.
"Okay," said Kisame. "Well... if you don't have anything for me to do, I'm going to go brush my teeth now."
"Oh, you can go. Beat Deidara up for me after you're done, though, he was the one who was eating my cereal."
"Will do," Kisame said over his shoulder as he skipped upstairs to brush his teeth with extra tender, loving attention.
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Wed Dec 17, 2008 10:17 am
sid!
but you don't have to say duh when i say i get the joke.
